Hi friends, here's Tayo Ogunnaike today bringing you some updates on Love , Relationship and Marriage:
Love, Relationship and Marriage - LRM 3
(COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE)
Communication is the bedrock of every marriage. One of the biggest obstacles to a healthy and successful marriage is the lack of communication or poor communication.
5 LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION BY JOHN POWELL
1. Cliché conversation - hiding behind safety screen of clichés - how are you doing? Looks like it may rain, etc.
2. Reporting facts about others - Not offering your own personal views-that is, you only say what others have said
3. Ideas and judgement - this is where real communications begin. Stepping further from the first 2 levels.
4. Feelings and emotions - there can't be true communication in Marriage until couples relate/interact on this level as you won;t know your spouse until you know how they feel about important issues.
5. Openness and honesty-this is where real intimacy begins. How completely open and honest are you to your spouse?
MAJOR INGREDIENTS OF COMMUNICATIONS IN MARRIAGE
1. TALKING- This is not the opposite of silence. Bottled up issues and resentments pose serious danger to a marriage now or in the future hence Couples must learn to speak the truth in LOVE and in a way that shows you accept responsibility for their own feelings; this way your spouse is likely to be less defensive. Replace "you" statements with "I" statements e. g replace "you are careless about the room with "I feel unhappy when the room is untidy".
Speaking the truth with love may a.) hurt but also heals like an antiseptic on a cut. b.) appropriate words MUST be used- no name calling or sarcastic statements. In using the right words, apply the RIGHT TONE OF VOICE as it is not what is said that matters but how it is said. Communication quotient - Words- 7%, tone of voice -38%, non verbal communication (face expression, look in the eyes) -55%. Talk about anything and everything (fears, failures, anxieties, insecurity, pasts, challenges, strength, lusts, temptations, decisions, just to name a few) with all openness & honesty. Do your best not to go into silent/withdrawal mode or push each other out of your worlds.
2. Listening - Most of us are fast to express our feelings especially when angry rather than giving ear to what the other party is saying. Proverbs 18:13 - what a shame to decide before knowing the facts. James 1:19- Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. No wonder God made us with 2 ears and 1 mouth.
POOR LISTENING HABIT
a. Thinking about what you will say once the other person has stopped
b. Interrupting while the other person is still talking.
GOOD LISTENING HABIT
a. It has to be consciously learned
b. Learn not to just listen to a persons words but to the underlying feelings beneath the words. This is the easiest way to make a person feel understood and when this happens he or she becomes less defensive and cooperates more. e.g 1. I made this myself I think its really nice. This can depict acceptance, pleasure, inferiority complex, happiness. 2. Shouldn't you stay at home today, I've been on my own all day this week. This can depict loneliness.
c. Repeat to the other person what you have heard them say.
3. UNDERSTANDING- each person should understand the other just as he/she seeks to be understood. Each couple must seek to understand the reason behind their actions(why they say the things they do - inner motivation) as they all bring their backgrounds into the marriage. You were once a child and that child lives on within you influencing your adult life.
